Back in jeans by Christmas

By Mary

I wanted to write in and tell you how excited I am about your new channel and website. I have followed you for years and always got strength from seeing your happy little face smiling at me through the screen! I know you’ve had dark times yourself but glad to see that you are back.

Anyway, wanted to tell you my story (short version!).

A back operation that was supposed to improve my life ended up knocking me sideways for much longer than I expected. The surgery itself went well but the recovery was slow, frustrating and painful. I went from being someone who was always on the move to someone who did nothing. 

I wasn’t lying in bed crying every day but I wasn’t myself either. Looking back, I can see I was probably dealing with a low-level depression that got worse over time. I stopped making plans, didn’t care what I looked like and didn’t bother seeing friends and family much. Food became my comfort, friend and reward all rolled into one. Junk food that is.

Over about a year I gained about 50 pounds, most of it on my belly.

At first I told myself it was temporary and that I’d lose it once I felt better. But as that year turned into two years I got used to being overweight and how it restricted my life (even more than my back pain did!). Eventually I just wore the same old thing every day, barely looked in the mirror and just bought baggy clothes off Amazon if I needed something new. My wardrobe became a collection of things I used to wear and a collection of things I could wear now.

The hardest part wasn’t the weight itself, it was the shame of having gained weight in the first place, which is one of the reasons I stopped seeing friends and family. It always ended up being a criticism of how I looked. Everyone seemed to have an opinion on how I should look and how I could just lose it if I really wanted to. I was told I should pull myself together and snap out of it. I was really angry about being judged like that when it wasn’t my fault I was in that state in the first place.

Eat this. Don’t eat that. Join this programme. Count these points. Walk ten thousand steps. Lift weights. Don’t lift weights. It felt as though the moment I let them, people were ready to tell me what I should do or what I was doing wrong. What I wanted was support, not judgement, so basically I stay in my house. 

I don’t have a dramatic weight loss story to tell. I haven’t lost any weight yet to be honest. But although my pain is definitely better now my weight probably makes it feel worse, so I do need to take control and lose weight even if I don’t care how much I lose at this point. 

I do have one goal, which is I want to get back into my jeans by Christmas. They’re about the biggest item of my old clothes so I’m aiming for them and then I can try and lose more once that’s done. Not sure I can do it but maybe seeing you’re back will give me the nudge I need to stop moaning about it all the time. You never give up so it helps me think maybe I can try a bit harder.

Will let you know how I go but in the meantime I’m looking forward to seeing you on your new 40+ channel and the Life in Cookieland one as well.